“Don’t tell me what they said about me, tell me why they were so comfortable to say that around you.”
I blinked back a tear and pondered for hours & hours either to give it all up and pull the trigger or to fake a laugh and move on.
I faced, faced a lot. Experienced, experienced a lot and.. Felt, felt a lot.
I was always the strong courageous one, there was always that furious tiger inside of me, finding a way to get out and show the world the real me.
Yet, I somehow became the quiet and weak victim of it all. It all backfired spontaneously.
I act different around certain people. It is not because I am fake it’s because I have a different comfort zone around certain people.
I tried and failed after all how could I trick myself into not thinking about the time when I screamed in pain and you all passed by as if you all heard nothing.
It’s funny, when I look back into my past and find myself trembling with fear with my face buried in my hands and my tears escaping my eyes. Saw what I never wanted to and experienced what I never had to.
I am not scared of you going out and about telling people how I made you feel, I am scared for the moment when they will come to know about what you did to me.
Shattering my heart into pieces and scattering them as if it was some stuff that could only be mentioned as disgust, wasn’t that enough? Apparently, it wasn’t. For you.
Came into my life as a friend and now after humiliating me publicly, you all abandoned my weeping soul with such ease. Faking a laugh as I forced my uncomfortable self to be comfortable with you, wailing endlessly in a silent room; even the walls mourned with me.
I was a prisoner then. My once peaceful soul was trapped in my alive yet dead body. My brainwashed thoughts and my pointless existence. It was a pure example of injustice and torture.
And indubitably it is, it was and it’ll always be “Unforgettable and Unforgivable.”
That moment of helplessness and confusion when you know you hate everything about someone but you still choose to love them unconditionally. You know you can’t be with them because of all the facts and damage that has been caused but those little things that can’t stop you from thinking about them.
Doubt, hesitation and all those upsetting chaos you are going through inside your head. It’s like a paradox. You hate everything about them yet you love every bit of them. Muddled and fed up of all this confusion yet loving this indecisive situation. You don’t understand which way to pick and which way to go because of those two components hatred and love fighting against each other.
Standing in the middle of the road and you don’t know whether to pick the rough but short way or beautiful but long way. You feel lonely and hopeless. Don’t know how to make a move. You hate absolutely everything and watching them, hurts; hurts a lot. Reminiscing all those fights and storms you’ve gone through just because of them. You are lost. But still how can you forget those sweet special conversations that actually made your entire day bright and fun-filled. How can you forget those advices and mistakes you’ve made and they were there to tell you it’s alright yet they turned their back & so did you. When they said goodbye you said too.
Ending everything there. Leaving all your memories and possessions in the past. Yet, you want to start a relationship again. You are afraid of being hurt again, you are avoiding being hurt again. Losing everything again. Still, you are fooling yourself that nothing ever happened and that ignoring all the negativity and absorbing all the pain, you can survive. You are waiting for something. That indecisive vibe is not leaving you. You are standing in the way between; confused to move on and choose a path to tread on for the rest of your life.
Regrets; regretting everything that why did you let them be a part of your life because now you can’t change the past. Past stays in the past. Hatred and ego making you ignore every positive image. You let it grow within you. Love and peace want to be seen too but you’re afraid to feel the happiness again or as you say you’re afraid to feel being lost again. Questioning won’t take you anywhere yet you won’t stop questioning yourself that’s why can’t you choose “Either to live life hating or loving them” or “Trying to forget and move one”.
It’s a nuisance having to suffer this exquisite pain.
~we are, who we are but who are we? ~
We all are humans right? But are we really? Just for a moment stop thinking about yourself and look outside, the world that you would never wish to see or you never got a chance to explore. Today’s world cannot be described as peaceful or even beautiful. Beauty is in peace, it’s in togetherness, in trust or beauty is there where there is love. And can the world of today, be represented as a peaceful place where everybody is united, there are no divisions and most importantly do people really care for those in their life that they always claim to be very concerned about or do we truly love the people that we are surrounded by or if not humans, then are we even doing justice to those creations of Allah Almighty which are unable to speak for themselves i.e.: animals and plants. Peeling of the skin of animals while they are still blinking their eyes or moving the axe backward and forward without even noticing how many trees are now lying on the floor which were once dancing along with the warm breeze and those trees which once stood tall in the warmth of sun. A positive point of view requires a positive mind and in a place where each and every person has faced cruelty and neglect at least once in their life time, a place where instead of a heart full of love and purity there is a room full of indecency and meanness. Divisions, restrictions and partitions all of this fuss and confusion has created a new level of ill-will towards each other. Don’t you ever think about the real meaning of life? Obviously, not the one that is a part of every Facebook post e.g.: Life is an ice-cream enjoy it before it melts. Search for the real meaning and don’t go after somebody else when discovering this unexplainable thing which your life is based on. Your life is completely depended on you, nobody else in this world has power over your life or your destination. You design your map and it depends all on you of how you design your map and how do you follow those directions. The real meaning is hidden in those little things that you do for yourself, the things in which you find pleasure in. The subjects on which your aim is based on.
I cannot give meaning to anybody’s life nor can anybody else. You give strength and make your life enthusiastic by your own efforts. Everything is temporary; people, relationships, money and your life. It would be a very meaningless lifeless life to be lived but not actually lived. What I am trying to say is that every day is a new chance and this life you have is very short, it would be quite boring if you end up dead without even stepping out of the box, without even peeking outside to see the world which we tend to miss out so much and It would be very disappointing that you were granted a precious time period i.e.: your life and you came out without even recognizing why do you entered it at the first place. What was the task that was assigned to you? You cannot just submit an assignment without even knowing the topic of what it is based on. Life is not what it appears to be, it is a riddle and each one of us have been given the same riddle yet each one of us have a different answer. The actual task is to identify the answer if it was wrong or right; realistically, it is to identify the path you are treading on the right one or maybe you should make a turn.
Your life is not just based on getting good grades, achieving your goals and aiming for new ones. Your life is based on your idea on true happiness, your life is based on things that matter to you and your loved ones. You will find the meaning when the inner you, the real you is fluttering and smiling and is satisfied with the task you are performing.
But the real question that arises in one’s mind is how to add to the meaning of one’s life? How to utilize it properly? Utilize this time by making this world a better place or more over making the most out of each and every minute and changing yourself for good. Sorry, I can’t change myself kind of behavior does not work quite well in these situations. Be a role model and you will feel like you are so close to your destination. Always, enjoy and cherish the journey rather than the destination; appreciate the little things in life…Life is unpredictable and let it be that way. It is what makes it so fascinating. Always be thankful that there are things that you can wish for. In my opinion, a life without wild dreams and wishes is a life wasted. Meaningful life and wise decisions are two things that make everything perfect. Your actions, your words and your reactions are what matter, you design your reputation out of them and maintaining a reputation of being a good human is the real common meaning of our lives.
~Tears and sorrows are the things you borrow whereas happiness and smiles are the things you give and always wish to see tomorrow.~
Life might not be as easy as it looks nor can words do the justice of how complicated or beautiful is. Life is a paradox of feelings, aims, emotions and everything. Just for a moment excuse yourself from Instagram or Facebook where you are busy looking and assuming how perfect people’s lives are. Go and find inspiration. Go get some sleep with your eyes wide open. You have let go of everything and calm down. Go and stand in the rain with your eyes closed and be a pluviophile and live in those moments and filter every sorrowful memory in creativity, just try at least once to enjoy your favorite weather and not updating and posting a picture to your social media websites. There is nothing wrong about sharing a picture of a Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks or posting a video of a family vacation, it actually shows that you are very expressive and you do not hesitate in sharing your happiness with others. But sometimes you have to let yourself know that you are excited to enter that Five Star Hotel because it was a dream of yours and not because you want to check in and update your status on Facebook. We have to live in the moment to find our real cause of happiness and our happiness is a path to our destination and that path and that destination is life. The true meaning of life.
I would like to conclude my blog by just a simple message that there is nothing in the materialistic things of today but still you should know the worth of the things. Same is with life it is temporary but still you have to acknowledge the value of it before it vanishes plus be good to everybody, enjoy this life and do good deeds to beautify your after-life.
~Stop, Admire and Learn. Don’t just Stop, Stare and Earn~