~ Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak…Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.~
She wandered alone under those dark starry nights in the streets of Baskerville. Sitting on the sidewalk, walking slowly down the streets, tears running down her cheeks, a fake smile on her face; she looked happy on the outside but inside she screamed for help. Her heart was broken into pieces. Nobody could tell either if she was sad because of that fake smile of hers. But unfortunately, that smile couldn’t fake everything. Behind her fake smile hid thousands of stories from a past that she regretted.
She claimed that she didn’t remember any of the bad days. But indeed, her past was full of sorrows. In her opinion, ignoring all the bad days and pretending they never existed made her strong. She didn’t know that strength comes from confronting and fighting against all the negativity and learning a lesson. Unfortunately, she moved backwards instead of moving forward. She never understood the real meaning of being strong.
She would sit in the corner and refuse to say a single word. She would walk away in the middle of a conversation or start running as if she was being chased. She smiled and suffered, absorbing all the negativity with patience. Her worst enemies were her memories. After all, how could one recover so easily after so much harm? She felt that all of her wrong decisions made her seem like a catastrophe. She would talk less, it was like that she felt painless. She suffered. Suffered and survived. She was no longer a sweet, happy girl; quite the opposite.
She felt abandoned, invisible and worthless. Nobody would lend a helping hand, nothing could reduce her stress. She felt betrayed. Her goal was to survive and wait until her journey ended. She would stay up nights staring at a wall or be found in the middle of the forest, asleep as if she hadn’t slept for weeks. Even so, no amount of sleep in the world could cure the tiredness she felt. She would run, spending her days in a lonely graveyard, crying or standing still in the rain as if she were waiting for someone. She felt as if she was a plastic doll, people used her, betrayed her and pointed out her imperfections, as if she didn’t already see them.
The only thing she ever experienced was humiliation and degradation. She avoided being hurt. Actually, she wasn’t sure if she was avoiding something. It felt like the whole world turned their backs towards her. Everything seemed so lifeless. She was no longer alive now; this was an indubitable truth. Her spiritless soul searched for peace. Feeble cries of pain and hopelessness were the only sounds that crossed her throat. She was sinking.
Before, she saw the world as full of peace and love and now she saw the exact same world as full of hatred and disgust. Her soul was covered with scars and bruises, but the unusual fact was that she felt nothing. It wasn’t hurting anymore, it wasn’t aching, it was as if she was dead. Her dreams shattered and her nightmares stayed with her forever. She was lost and wanted to stay that way.
Her dreams, or maybe unfinished businesses, made her re-live everything. Everything was wrecked, all the positive images had vanished. Negativity is what she thought the world was covered in. She found herself making the same mistakes over and over.
She had lost her way and let her aspirations slip once again. It felt like misfortune followed her wherever she went. Her enemy was her past, her mind in agony. She tortured herself with her own mind, losing every battle she fought. She suffered never-ending pain. Nobody could hear her cry; nobody cared until something dramatic happened. She was fed up and tired of fake people, fake hugs, fake smiles and false hopes. It was like her world just caved in.
Still after all of her trials, she dreamed of a miracle. Yes, her achievements, her goals, and her aims were lost but she couldn’t stop herself from dreaming. She dreamt that one day she would wake up and everything would appear as a bad dream. She wished for nothing but she dreamed, dreamed of living once again, and experiencing everything she had ever dreamed of.
All this was a daily routine for her now, wandering the streets of Baskerville, watching the cars go by, sitting alone on the sidewalk, walking slowly down the streets, tears running down her cheeks…
~The deeper I think the deeper I seem to sink~